


Heavy In Your Arms

by Frenchibi



Series: Fics with Pain [5]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: (-ish?), Domestic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Iwaizumi is more than anyone deserves, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Illness, Oikawa is... very broken
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-03-19
Packaged: 2018-10-07 12:27:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10360512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frenchibi/pseuds/Frenchibi
Summary: Tooru gets like this sometimes, lost in the darkness inside him that grows like an endless abyss, threatening to consume him. It's all Hajime can do, to try and take his hand and lead him away from the edge.





	

**Author's Note:**

> _I'm so heavy, heavy - so[heavy in your arms](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SK6U4FiAoAs)_

It's cold.

Hajime shivers a little - must have pushed the blanket off in his sleep again, and where's-

He moves his arm, reaching out beside him, but the other side of the bed is empty. He's also covered in the blanket, so that can't be the source of the chill he's feeling. Instead, it's in the lack of literal furnace Oikawa Tooru, who tends to sleep plastered all over him - and, Hajime realizes as he sits up and the cold fully hits him, the fact that the bedroom window is wide open.

Hajime rubs at his eyes, straining to see anything in the relative darkness of the room.

"...Tooru?"

It comes out in a soft mumble - and the silhouette by the window shifts.

Hajime is still shivering, but when Tooru doesn't answer, concern takes over and he swings his legs off the side of the bed.

"...what are you doing...?"

He's met with silence again, so he gets to his feet, padding over to where Tooru is standing.

"...you okay?" he asks, carefully reaching out to take hold of Tooru's arm. His skin is littered with goosebumps and it's icy cold, so much so that Hajime almost flinches back - but from here he can see Tooru's expression, and it roots him to the spot.

There are tear tracks glistening on Tooru's face, almost dried ones and fresh ones, too, and even as Hajime watches, more tears make their way down Tooru's cheeks, dripping off his chin.

"Tooru, love, what-"

"Breathing," Tooru says, and his voice is cracked and hoarse. "I'm... breathing."

He doesn't bother to wipe away his tears, and his eyes are fixed on the horizon. It's freezing outside, and there's a cruel, biting wind, but the sky is incredibly clear and thousands of stars are scattered across it.

Hajime is tense, his apprehension only enhanced by the cold. He doesn't know how to deal with Tooru when he gets like this, how to help him, how to ground him when he's losing himself, and it terrifies him. He's so close, yet so far away.

"...the universe is so... enormous," Tooru whispers. "There's so much out there that we'll never know. It's vast, endless, and it's so _cold_."

He leans forwards, naked arms braced on the windowsill, and pushes his torso out of the window.

It almost looks like he's daring to fall.

"Nothing matters," he says, and Hajime barely hears him over the wind. "Nothing matters one bit. I could die today, and nothing would change. It's- it's so cold-"

Hajime can't take any more of this. He throws his arms around Tooru from behind, caging him in, not desperate but determined.

Tooru gasps at the contact, almost like he'd forgotten Hajime was even there. Hajime tightens his grip, Tooru's back pressed firmly against his chest, and slowly pulls him away from the window, away from the cold.

"Tooru," he says, "Tooru, Tooru... Hey, listen, okay? Listen. I'm here."

Tooru's breath hitches suddenly, and he tries to pry Hajime's fingers away, squirming in his grip.

"No-"

"It's freezing out there, come back to bed - come back and talk to me, love. Tell me what you're thinking. Let me help." He does his best to keep his voice calm, to not let his gut-wrenching fear bleed into his words.

"I can't breathe," Tooru gasps, practically going limp in Hajime's grip, "I can't breathe, I need air-"

Hajime lets go immediately, eyes wide, and Tooru tears away from him, practically plunging his head out of the window again. He inhales like he was just saved from drowning, gulping in the cold air like there isn't enough oxygen in the room.

Hajime watches him lean dangerously close to the edge on his shaking arms, holding his exposed chest out into the cold.

"...Tooru-"

"...do you ever wonder what it feels like to fly?" Tooru whispers, more to himself than to Hajime, and his hair shifts in the wind.

"Yes," Hajime whispers back, unsure if Tooru even hears him, but maybe this is the way to reach him.

He has to try.

Tooru shifts, leaning out even further.

"The cold, it- it's the only thing that feels real."

"...why?" Hajime asks quietly, lips clamping shut when he hears the tremor in his own voice.

"Because it _hurts_ ," Tooru says. He opens his mouth, inhales deeply, and releases the breath with a shudder. "It hurts, Iwa-chan, it hurts-"

Hajime dares to take a step closer, terrified that any tiny movement might cause Tooru to tip forward and fall.

"You don't have to hurt alone," he whispers. "Tooru, hey. Look at me."

Slowly, ever so slowly, Tooru turns his head. "...I won't fall," he says, eyes not focusing at all. "It's okay. I just- I just need air-"

"Tooru-"

He's close enough to touch him again now, close enough to carefully, carefully let his fingers graze Tooru's jaw. Tooru raises his head with the touch, looks Hajime right in the face, eyes still just slightly out of focus. Like he's seeing him, but-

"You're scaring me," Hajime says, voice breaking, even though he'd promised himself to be strong for him.

Tooru gets like this sometimes, lost in the darkness inside him that grows like an endless abyss, threatening to consume him. It's all Hajime can do, to try and take his hand and lead him away from the edge.

He dares to move just a little bit closer, practically leaning over the ledge himself, icy wind pricking his skin.

_Come back, come back, come back to me-_

Hajime tilts his head and slots their mouths together, shivering lips chapped from the cold-

Tooru gasps, and when Hajime pulls back, Tooru's eyes find him for the first time, and they grow wide.

"Hajime," he says, and his fingers suddenly close around Hajime's wrists.

"Hajime," and fresh tears fall from his eyes.

Hajime leans in and kisses him again, and this time Tooru kisses back. Their tongues slide together, and the sensation is familiar, comforting - even though Hajime can taste the salt from Tooru's tears; even though fear and adrenaline are still racing through his veins. And-

"You're warm," Tooru whispers against his lips, and that's all the warning Hajime gets before Tooru falls forwards and sags against him, all the tension suddenly gone.

Hajime scrambles to gather him into his arms as Tooru starts crying in earnest - not the apathetic tears sliding over his face from earlier, but real, heartfelt crying, complete with heavy sobs, shaking shoulders and giant tears rolling down his cheeks.

Hajime allows himself to breathe as he lifts Tooru into his arms and carries him away from the cold, from the open window, from his fears.

"I've got you, love. You're safe," he murmurs into Tooru's hair, and Tooru's breath hitches audibly.

Hajime lowers him down onto the bed, pushing away the covers with his foot so he can reach over and immediately wrap Tooru up in them to soothe his freezing limbs.

"One second, love. Give me one second," he whispers, pressing a kiss to Tooru's forehead.

Tooru gasps, fear twisting his features, and he reaches for Hajime's arms with a heartbroken whine-

"I'm just closing the window," Hajime promises, gently tugging his arm from Tooru's tight grip. "Just that. I'm not leaving. I swear, I'm not leaving you. Not ever."

He crosses the room in three large strides, and Tooru is gasping behind him, voice breaking as he whispers "H-Hajime-" and Hajime's heart is screaming out for him.

The window is heavy, and he braces himself against the wind as he forces it shut with a resounding thump, shutting out the howling of the oncoming storm, the rustle of leaves, the trepidation.

He's back at Tooru's side in a heartbeat, shaking hands finding his shoulders; "I'm here, I'm here-"

Tooru reaches for him, fingers skating across his soft shirt and tangling there, pulling him down so he can bury his face in his neck. He whimpers, a sound so small and scared that it has Hajime tense all over again.

Tooru seems to inhale Hajime's scent, like he needs to convince himself this is real, this is what's real, not the pain, not the cold-

He sobs, fresh tears already building in his eyes and spilling over.

Hajime climbs onto the bed, gently pushing Tooru back so they both fit - he knows there are tears prickling in his own eyes, but he blinks them away. Tooru is all that matters.

Hajime is full of nervous energy, and he uses it to get them into the position he wants. Without detaching Tooru from his front, he manages to lift their blankets around the both of them, covering their shoulders and drawing them together in what he hopes can be comfort.

Tooru's skin is still freezing, but Hajime simply pulls him close, against his chest, sharing his warmth.

Tooru cries until he has nothing left to give, until his shaking form is just quivering gently and curling up against Hajime. It might be in instinct, but Hajime knows better than to question it. He knows he's walking a fine line, knows saving Tooru from himself is never easy.

He wills himself to be patient - this is _Tooru_ , this is the most important person in Hajime's life, this is the man he promised to give everything for, no matter how hard it got.

"I've got you," he murmurs, pressing kisses to Tooru's hair. "I've got you, darling. I'm not going anywhere. It's going to be okay."

It feels like an eternity; wrapped up in each other, Tooru's tears drenching his shirt as he refuses to let his own fall. It's not over yet. It's not over, until-

"I-I'm s-sorry-"

It's barely a whisper, barely a breath, but Hajime hears-

"I'm s-sorry, Hajime, I love you-"

" _Oh_ ," and soul-crushing relief bears down onto him, lifting the weight from his trembling limbs, "oh, Tooru, it's okay, you're okay-"

"I was- y-you mean the world- I didn't mean-"

None of it matters now, because he's back, this is _his Tooru_ , this is-

"So do you, darling- you're everything, _everything_ -"

"I was- I got lost, I'm sorry, I'm sorry-"

_Nothing matters-_

"I've got you," Hajime says again, and again, and again, drawing Tooru in as close as he can. "That's what I'm here for. Always. You don't have to fight alone."

**Author's Note:**

> _I was a heavy heart to carry_   
>  _But he never let me down_   
>  _When he held me in his arms_   
>  _My feet never touched the ground_
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Reality is... a strange thing. Losing it is terrifying.  
> [Tumblr.](http://frenchibi.tumblr.com)


End file.
